Light of Recognition....

Birthday present – a segment of my personal diary!

2011-01-27T05:35:00.000-08:00

9 years ago… I stood there in the organised Assembly hall with the 11B class students. Our Principal Mr. Anthony Eapen started off the assembly and we all stood there in silence listening to his speech. Today is the day he is going to announce the School leaders for the next two academic years. My heart pounced faster and faster, waiting eagerly to know the results as I was one of the nominees. “Don’t worry, stay clam!!”, I reminded myself. I took a deep breath trying to put on a calm expression!

He started off with the HSE School leaders and as I was relatively new to the school the two names wasn’t familiar at all - Anand and Ria! Then he came to ISC school leaders and it took me by surprise when I heard my name being called out! Even though I was planning to put on my calm face expression, I think the wide smile showing my complete set of teeth gave it away!!

The ex school leaders handed over their torches to us and I stood there with the lighted candle, still displaying my teeth as if I am posing a picture for the Tooth fairy!. We took the oath and after the ceremony we were given a few minutes to speak to our Co- leaders. As we congratulated each other, I noticed that this Anand guy had unbelievable resemblance to my ever so mischievous cousin! I decided to keep a distance from him as I didn’t want another ‘teasing session’ in school.

Two years passed by and I found out that Anand is as one of the most innocent, decent and brilliant teenagers that I have ever met in my life!
Even after coming to London, our friendship grew and Anand became my regular chat buddy! I can discuss with him any topic under the sun without the slightest fear of being judged.
He became the reflection of my own conscience and that’s when I realised this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with! The first time I have seen Anand was with a lighted candle and I didn’t know then that this guy is going to spread the light of happiness and love in my life!

The past eventful 9 years gave both of us many challenges in shaping & developing our personalities, career and future. Now we are looking forward for our Engagement ceremony later on this year and for all the challenges and happiness our life together will offer us!

Today, I want to wish my dearest Anand a very “Happy Birthday” and thank you for your unconditional love!

Love, Me xx

Back to Life!

2009-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Dark clouds weighing down the sky,
The silver line as narrow as a strand,
Humid, suffocating, soggy, dark,
All alone in the grey patch!

I screamed; but it echoed back at me,
Tearful eyes, lump in my throat,
Skin tight against my bones,
Clutched to the wretched self!

Frightened, injured, thwarted, wrecked;
Hounded by the malicious bats!
Its bleeding; essence of self and spirit,
Dying, fainting, helpless self!

A minute and there I see…

A beam of light, brighter than the sun,
Flashes, reaches, caress and spread!
I see the hands out from the light,
I hold them tight with trust and relief!

It raises me up from the worst nightmare;
In to a place of peace and serenity.
Prayers chant, smell of candles,
Caring touch, kisses and tears.

I opened my eyes to see them all,
The ones I love, close and dear!
I still walk holding your hands,
Who brought me here, back to my life!

******************************************

The Lovely Surprise!

2008-10-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

Here I’m with another tale;
Of how I found my long lost self!

We live every moment with a million dreams;
But not a clue of what our future holds!
Surprises – or events of life!
Makes us learn, how to live this life!
I am surpised…in every sense!
When I saw myself in all its glory!
I am a sister,
I am a friend,
I am a daughter,
And I am an individual!
I am one of God’s precious creations!
I am a human in flesh and blood!
He engraved my features,
Filled me with emotions!
Gave me the ability to express myself;
My invisible sensations through my visible features!
It’s all written, or so it is said!!!
And there you come, to reveal the destined!
You gave me love,
You showed me light,
And I followed you, with no doubts or fears!
At the end, where the mystery folds;
I looked in your eyes filled with love…
There I saw a content self;
And that was me in my complete self!

************************************

17.09.08

2008-09-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Unlike everyday today I woke up to my alarm happily! I was pleased to realize that it was only a dream! There were many situations when I actually got happy about the dreams I see early mornings because it’s believed that whatever you see in the morning is destined to happen! But it didn’t do much help this time! The dream was about having a brother with some sort of mental illness! This boy who is about 15 years old gets extremely violent when he sees people! His way of showing love is by hurting and attacking others! In my dream I was really scared to walk around my house because I don’t know when he is coming to attack me! Weird in every sense! Firstly I don’t have a brother and secondly there is absolutely no reason for seeing this dream as I didn’t think anything relating to having a brother or illness before I went sleep!

I have heard that most of our dreams are related to us in some way or the other! If that’s the case this dream should have a message as well. When I started writing this I had no idea where it’s taking me…
But now, the chat that I had with my friend last night is coming to my mind! It was a really long chat about many things! Many a times, it was like she is answering the questions which were haunting me for a long time! And each time she made a comment about something, I somehow managed to tie it back to the question I wanted to resolve!

One of her remarks was - “If God took you to it, he will take you through it!”

Take life as it goes, with no worries about the future! I know it’s easy to say and I’m sure I’m not the first one commenting on this or it’s not the first time you are reading about it!

Anyway I am taking a minute to interpret my dream! The mentally challenged brother implies to the many harsh facts in life which stand against my views which is like so attached to my actions!

I lost count on the number of times I have seen people blogging/Speaking/commenting about how they want to live their dream, be a worthy human being! Including me all of us just go with the flow expecting for a better tomorrow where everything is sorted and settled and then its time to live your life the way you want! But none of us realize that there is no such time and before we know time just flies past us!

For the same reason my biggest nightmare is ending up like majority of the people sticking to the life cycle that’s believed to be right! Study, get a job, earn, find a partner, earn earn earn till you break your back, retire and then you realize that your life’s nearly finished, then live for your grandkids while your kids get a chance to break their backs and finally say good bye to everyone! By then you might have earned the love and respect of many but you never got a chance to live your life as you wanted to!
And then there comes the quote “This is life!”…

These are some of the harsh facts of life! And all this is haunting me in the exact same way as my retarded brother! I am trying hard to run away from it before it hurts me! But can I? I guess not!!! Because, there’s no escape from reality! At the end of the day I am just another ordinary girl who should go through the many phases in life! And my emotions really don’t care what I plan for my future and no matter how much I bury them it will keep bouncing back on me!

Always interpret your dreams! There will be a message in it!
I guess that’s right!

My views about life stays the same but I guess the “me” within me is prepared for a change!!!

***********************************

"You" & "U"

2008-09-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

I’m just a confused soul!
Perplexed, baffled by my own thoughts.
Which is true, I can’t say!
Who am I?! I don’t know!

Once I saw the lovely dream,
Of U and me, but that’s a lie!
Coz U and me isn’t so right,
In my normal conscious self!

I love the ones, who love me not!
I care less the ones who care me a lot!
Is this the normal human self?
Or is it me in my weirdest self?

You - the brightest radiant star!
I tried to reach…leaned and cried;
But there were You …Miles away!
Fading in to the misty clouds…

I walked those paths, to see You once!
But there were You, a normal self!
Where’s the halo I used to see?
Where’s the warmth I used to feel?

I didn’t see U all this time!
But I see U now as the darkness grows!
Its pitch black here…No more music!
It’s just U and my mystified soul!

“Open your eyes and see the light!
Open the eyes of your heart for once!”

I saw U then, the source of Light!
And You, reflecting the dazzling U!

It was me who saw U wrong!
My own eyes and that’s a flaw!
Now I hear U loud and clear…
And the lovely song I will never forget!

**********************************************************************

Little joys…

2008-06-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my mum’s friend Sindhu Aunty came to our house! My mum (Amma) made her Parippuvada – the cheapest (in terms of material cost, not the level of liking!) snack in Kerala! Amma came home after a busy day and she was running out of time to prepare dinner! We were planning to do barbeque – the simple technique of delegating the hard work of cooking to the guests! Still we had to prepare some Rice or Roti to eat with the chicken! Amma seemed to be least bothered about it and she carried on making the parippuvadas! I really wanted to suggest her to think of making some Rottis…But I changed my mind considering the series of event the previous day when a simple suggestion made us do all the cooking by our self! (It’s a long sad story!) So it’s better to just keep quite!

She finished doing the Parippuvadas… They were lovely! But still, we didn’t have any main course for the guests!!! The guests are here. Before we started our conversation, Amma said to aunty “I have here one of your favourites!” She asked “Is it a person? Someone I know?!” Amma smiled and replied “Not a person but a thing!” She replied straight away “Parippuvada!”

She said that even without thinking for a second! I was amazed...shocked... by her answer!
I lost count on the number of paripuvadas she had! (No offence Aunty!) :))
And still I can’t figure out the amount of love she got for them! When her husband made fun of her, she commented “I am not asking you for any gold or diamond! I like Parippuvada…This is my little joy in Life!”

I felt something really strong in my heart… Her one little joy! And I felt proud of my Amma for NOT wasting her time making a grand main course but this simple starter! We still had time to make some Rottis in the barbeque and had a wonderful dinner!

Thanks to Sindhu Aunty for giving me a vast topic to think on!
A chance to realise the little joys of my loved ones around me!

When my Amma speak to the Robin who comes to eat the grains she offer and when she asks the dried plant to be happy (which I do sometimes as well!), that’s her little joy and it’s not because she is crazy! ;)

When my dad finds a reason (sad/Happy/Exciting/Depressing/or even Nothing!) to have a beer that’s his little joy, and not because he is alcoholic! (Yeh rite!) :D

When my sister Minnu watches umpteen cookery shows at one time whilst being on a strict diet, that’s her little joy and not because she loveessss food more than herself!

And what’s my little joy? - Yeh, I can’t deny that I enjoy being nosy and speaking about others Little Joys!

Oh Joy!.... :))

My Divine Trance...

2008-05-17T07:23:00.001-07:00

For a moment I wasn’t here! And that is when I am writing this! When I return I will be feeling much better, I could breathe then, I could feel then, I could be me…

The trance has begun… And you, the planner of events! The creator…the spirit I always believe! Now in this dream, I remember clearly what my Granddad has taught me “Karma is the God you should believe in. Your Karma is what you are and who you are!”

Karma…Yes, in my mind Karma is the God. And to live right it takes to realise what is wrong! If you get that RIGHT then your Karma is saved! But what is right? Anything which would spread happiness and harmony in the universe is right! Anything which would'nt harm the Universal Balance is right! Anything which doesn't hurt the feelings of a living being is right! Anything which gives or changes life in a positive way is right!

All of us are God! But many a time, our Godliness lives inside us never seeing light!

Now here, in this heavenly state I wish for that Spirit to save my anxiety, my wish, my dream, my joy… So I could in turn direct my Karma in the right spreading love, affection, happiness...and more than all this a helping hand!

I still don’t know what I am feeling right now! But all I know is the strong urge to achieve something which I have never felt my whole life!!!
May be I felt this way to realize the life of my Granddad as it is his views which came to my mind first! He believed in his dreams and he achieved it… The path wasn’t flowery…but the achievement was great! The recognition and respect he got from his fellow beings is worth the hardships!

-I always wished to follow your path and live my life just as you! But right now, at this moment I realise that I was following your path all along!

I will conquer my dreams…no matter what it takes…I will accomplish the purpose of my part in this world saving my Karma!

All I can think now is this. These lines by some great poet:

“Meanwhile you should sing,
More than ever, you should sing!”

*****************************************************************************************

Her Journey Memoir…

2008-05-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

It’s a long journey! I have some books to read. I have my knitting kit, so I might do a bit of that! Two days in the train and that too by myself! Hmm…It would go quick!

I managed to get the window seat. I stared outside taking a last glimpse of the busy Mumbai train station! The many good moments I had in this big city flashed before my eyes! My reformation from an ordinary village girl to the individual I am now!
The late nights wandering the streets of Mumbai with my friends! My friends, labeled as “rebels”! They may be rebels but their concepts makes more sense to me than the normal goody guys and it is for the same reason that I hang out with them!
“Take life as it is! Live your life as you like and not to impress the others around you!” They taught me many valuable lessons! Now, I am living my life to the most! But before I knew, it was time to say goodbye and here I am heading to my native place! To the land of coconuts, backwaters…

Life wouldn’t be the same once I am back! I am going to get married in a few months. Funny part is I don’t even know the person who I am going to marry! My parents have decided him and I will be meeting him once I am home! To be honest, I’m least bothered about it now! I can marry anyone! There is nothing like a Soul mate…I can get along with anyone! Waiting for the right one is all nonsense.
When your parents grow old, when your friends get trapped in the love web, when solitude bothers the hell out of you, you starts to believe that there is this one person who will make you happy…You moans and long for the person…waits…and waits…and then you just make yourself believe that the next one who comes your way is the one for you! You end up with him/her and makes yourself believe that this is your soul mate! Such nonsense!

Train is moving faster now! I sipped my coffee and started to read my book!
“That’s a good book you are reading, I liked that too!” I lowered my book to look at a handsome young man in his late 20’s... It seemed!
“Yeh, it’s a good book!” I said smiling and carried on reading! I am in no mood to make any new friends at the moment!
It was quiet until noon, I almost forgot about lunch! I really got in to the book!
“Would you like some cake?” It’s that man again.
“No thanks” I smiled at him and replied!
“Hey come on, have one. I made them!”
I looked at the chocolate muffins! They looked tempting. Having one wouldn’t hurt! “Wow, this is so delicious! You bake well!”
“Thanks, I love baking! So where are you in Kerala? What you doing?”

I said to him that I graduated my Fashion designing course last month and I’m heading my home town! His name is Karthik, he is an architect and works for a firm in Mumbai and now he is going home for holidays! He was passionate about arts too…Just like me! We didn’t realize how quickly time went! We chatted about arts, music, people, places…he loved Monet, Mughal painting, ghazals…He hated bars, clubs, alcohol, politics! By evening we realized that we told each other our whole life story! I told him about my marriage in a few months!
“He will be scared when I tell him about the real me! The other side of me! The side which predominated during my Mumbai Life!” I told him.
He laughed as I said this “Don’t scare that poor guy!” I just smiled.
“He is interesting!” I thought.

We had dinner together! It was the most wonderful dinner I have ever had! We sat there in the moonlight feeling the wind on our face! And chatting about lots and lots of things that I love!
His birth was opposite to mine…We carried on chatting about many things! Arts predominated! But we also chatted about books, some politics...mainly criticizing the whole political structure!

The next morning!
I sat facing the vast paddy fields, sipping my coffee. I couldn’t believe how quickly yesterday went and actually now I’m wishing if the journey was a bit longer!!! I laughed to myself! I am being silly!
Actually I wasn’t feeling silly! That day was the best day I ever had! We had breakfast together! I showed him my art works and he drew a caricature of me! I looked hilarious in that! We both laughed about it! We chatted about a lot of things! I told him about my exciting life in Mumbai! My adventures with my rebel friends! My future art ventures etc etc! He is a great listener! And again we had many similar interests and views about life!

I felt a bit disturbed “We wont even see after tomorrow! It’s indeed sad! But that’s how life is! May be I should ask him his number!” I thought. “Noo….Silly silly silly me!” I have this weird habit of answering to my conscience!

That night we stayed late talking and he reminded me that his station would come before mine early in the morning, so he wouldn’t wake me up if I am sleeping! I didn’t ask him to wake me up, in fact I didn’t want to say goodbye to him! I felt too sentimental about that, and it’s so not me! “I am seriously being silly now!” conscience reminded!!!

Next morning, I woke up and his birth was empty! But, He left a note for me near my baggage! “Hey, call me when you get home!” There is his phone number! I don’t have words to express the joy I experienced then! I prepared to cancel my wedding no matter what and I would meet this guy! “He likes everything about me and I like him too!!”
All of a sudden I realized the seriousness of my marriage proposal and the guy who is waiting for me back home! Everything seemed so complicated and my head swirled as if I’m caught in middle of a big complicated puzzle!

My parents were so delighted to see me! They told me a few things about the boy! His name is Kuttan! “What a weird name! Sounds like an elephant’s name!” I thought.

First thing I did when I got home was call him. I thought of telling him how I feel! But, I don’t even know if he felt the same for me! But there are certain things which you just know even without anything being said! This feeling was like that! I told him that the boy and his family is coming to see me today! He didn’t say anything! But I decided that no matter what, I am not ready to marry anyone right now!

I got all dressed up in the new saree my mum gave me!
“I look pretty!” sometimes Conscience compliments tool!
I can hear them downstairs! My mum asked me to come down! I could hear my heart beat then! I am going to get in trouble! I could have told my parents that I’m not interested, but telling them today morning wasn’t too appropriate!
I walked down; I can see the boy’s parents. They smiled at me. I smiled back…
“You look much beautiful in person!” A girl commented, I assume it’s the boy’s sister! I smiled in acceptance of the compliment! I felt really bad in having to let them all down! May be I wont say anything today! I felt like going mental!

“Hey, yes you do look much beautiful in person!”
I turned back to the familiar voice. I felt like I heard a big thunder and the electric waves actually passed through my nerves!

“You?!” I couldn’t believe me eyes! There he stands! My train buddy! The guy who stole my heart in a day! The person who changed my view about never falling in love! The person who made me realize the importance of waiting for the right guy! He smiled at me.

“So you saw my picture before?! So you know it was me all the time!” I felt like my biggest problems melting away in to nothing!
“Kuttan?!” That was my only concern at that moment!

“Yes, that’s my pet name! I know you don’t like that name, but u might wanna get used with it now! And don’t try scaring me off by your Mumbai stories…the other side of you! I like you just the way you are!” he smiled at me as he said this.

Everything seemed more beautiful at that moment!
Someone said that the “Most important events in your life happens when you least expect it!” How true!...

Love the rain, Love like rain…

2008-03-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

I gazed at the tiny little raindrop on the glass pane...

I touched it, yet didn’t touch it...but it smiled at me feeling the warmth I offered! The dark clouds hid the sun so that the raindrop could live a little longer! A second, no in a fraction of second the sky burst out and gave all its love! My little friend cannot be seen anymore!
It merged with the heavenly joy that came its way!

“Love the rain, Love like rain…”

I do love the rain, but do I love like rain?!

I watched the shower offer its unconditional love! It embraced even the tiny little grass blade, I can see them overwhelmed in ecstasy!
I wondered why I cannot love like rain?!
Unconditionally! Without expectations! Without any criteria’s!
To extend my heart and soul to my fellow beings!

Today my friend told about her marriage proposal! She stressed on the part that he is a Computer Engineer, he works for a big company and he is good looking!
But I didn’t hear her say a word about his character, personality, his views about life… or even a simple thing as his political interests!

When profession becomes a criterion, when money becomes another criterion… and to add to the blunder when looks comes to the list! Where is the unconditional love?! Where is the beauty within! Where is the significance for the well known quote that “Love is blind”!!!

Years have proved to us that Love isn’t blind! When it comes to our personal option, Love gets a thousand eyes...Love looks for each and every minute external feature! Many poets have described the fair skin and striking features of women! Again nothing about the person within!

Even I am like that sometimes and that’s why I wish if I was the Rain!

"To open my eyes and see you from within,
To open my heart and love you from within,
To offer my hand regardless of your colour or caste,
To live like the human He taught us to be! "

I live in a place where I can see people from many places!
I wish we could all live in harmony, as if in one family! Where caste, creed, colour, sex, language nothing becomes a barrier!

"The same sun warms as all,
The same stars twinkles on us,
The same sea washes our grief,
The same God guards as all…
So let us love each other more and more,
With the heart He gifted us all!"

Happy day all - To my brothers and sisters!

Love,
Neetha.

varicella-zoster's visit....

2008-03-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this during my peak chickenpox days! I couldn’t move my right hand because of this for two days! Today it is the 14th day and I am feeling much better now! So, just copying what I have written about a week ago! Please pardon me for any spelling or grammatical mistakes!
Thanks to Leila Aunty for the biological term of my new buddy!)

I have chickenpox!
For some reason I've always believed that I’m immune to severe diseases! I was shocked when I came to know about my pox attack!! How can I get it?!! I know I expect too much from my ordinary human body!!!

It’s been only three days and I’m expected to live in solitude for another two weeks!
I wake up early morning…Spent my time trying out some shadow hand puppetry! I can do birds and deer and one time surprisingly it looked like a man’s head, I can’t do that again though! Then I have my breakfast - I enjoy my mum pampering me till its time for her to go work! Then all I do is look at my phone for someone to call me! I have to wait till afternoon for Anju’s call…And the texts in between from my friend in India.
But there is always a big time gap between the phone calls and my only company is my shadow puppet! In the beginning, it wasn’t very pleasant spending the whole time in a dark room (as light hurts my sore eyes)! But now, I am falling in love with the Solitude! Its peaceful, it gives you a chance to dream… be who you want to be with no interruptions from the real world!

Also the solitude has served as an eye opener! My room…I sleep here everyday, but now as I have nothing better to do I’ve decided to have a look around me. To my surprise, each and everything I saw told me a story about past and made me take a decision for future!

1) First things first, my broken Shelf which will take less than a minute to fix as all I have to do is tighten the screw! (Let me fix that now! – Done!)

2) The photo frame from my well wisher! I didn’t even say thanks! But it’s indeed very beautiful!
I wonder why we spend our little time in this world not talking to each other for silly things! I am sorry for creating this situation with you but I never regret the decision I have taken! And thanks for the lovely photo frame!

3) My unfinished paintings – boats without water underneath and half done sky etc etc!
Here I take an oath to finish the old ones before starting any new paintings!

4) My music note book – which looked disappointed, covered in dust. I still remember a bit of the last classical piece I learned “Marubaa…aa...rii...koorva jaala...”
I don’t know if I will be able to carry on with my music lessons now, but I promise to give my music note a little more respect and find a decent accommodation for it!

5) My kathak “kungrus” (I don’t know if the spelling is right) which looked at me irately for spoiling its life! I was determined to learn it but not to my surprise, I discontinued that as well!
I’m 100% sure that I wont be going back to kathak. So I promise to go see my teacher the first weekend I feel well and return them so that someone else could use it.

These are my resolutions and I promise to carry out each of the tasks mentioned above!

“Everything happens for good” – How true!
Today I am in pain, yet I don’t whine a bit as I have learned to love myself more and it also gave me a chance to realise how entertaining my company is! (Hand puppetry is a good time pass as well…innovative and entertaining!) Also I have seen the “many” who care about me! Thanks for all those phone calls and chickenpox remedy advices! I can possibly write a book on it now! :D

This is not a big event, yet it is for me in my uneventful life! There is a subject in which I can speak authoritatively!

Any pox tips – visit me on www. (Just kidding!) :D

Wish you all a pox free happy day!!! :)
Ciao…

Neetha.

Enigma...

2008-02-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

Once I dreamt of a little girl,
Spreading the glitters of joy in dark;
I woke up, to believe it’s me
It made me smile for a long long time…

The time it came when I couldn’t count my age,
With the ten fingers I have got;
And that is when I realised the flaw,
I have lost the chime of innocence in the flow!

Together I lost my faith in the little girl,
Her image faded in to the distant past!
Now I long for the unknown colours of life,
To finish the portrait of my long lost self!

I still wish for the stars in infinity,
Searching the cipher in my inner soul!
But then the sense of unfeasibility hobbles my fragile thoughts…
And that is when; I shed a tear or two!

As I close my eyes to make the wish,
When the shooting star passes my sight!
All I yearn for is that blissful ignorance,
And my chum, the charm of innocence!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Truth...

2007-12-31T12:57:00.000-08:00

I have dreamt of this holiday my whole life. But once when I am here I am not happy anymore! I guess it’s the human nature to stick on to their sorrows even if happiness knocks at their door! I looked at the deep blue sea from the resort window and tried to concentrate on the vastness of the sea… It’s vast and the other end, which is the sky, is even vaster! A complete reunion of the two great forces… sea and sky, and there is nothing between them!

I want to free my mind like that! Nothing should come in between me and the lots and lots of happiness around me!

I sat on the chair facing the sea! I closed my eyes and I can see images in my head… of the sea which I was just watching, the sky and the face of someone very dear! I felt a strong pain in my heart! I am bond to someone and that someone is not letting me experience the innumerable pleasures surrounding me!

My boyfriend Shiva and I broke up a year ago! We haven’t seen each other since then! But whenever I am alone his face always comes up in my thoughts! It’s not the first time I am realizing that it’s the bond with him that keeps me away from happiness! And it’s for the same reason I am here today! Even though it’s the holiday I have always dreamt of, I am here in this beach resort for my Reiki lessons which would enable me to free my mind from his thoughts! To pave the path that will allow happiness to flow in to my heart!

I saw the many seagulls swimming its way in the sea! They moved along so gracefully and each of them held their head high as if they were proud of the freedom they held! Freedom – depriving freedom is the most unbearable state in Human life! And now my thoughts are caged and cannot expand beyond the invisible boundary that Shiva left in my mind!

I remembered what my Guru told me “you will realize the truth before you leave here! Just meditate and allow your mind to dream.”

“What truth?” I thought but I didn’t ask him that. All I know is that I am in search of that eternal truth which would free my mind from all thoughts and at least then I can be happy!

Before going sleep, I remembered what my Guru asked me to do. To write down whatever I feel like at the end of each day! For the past many days whenever I try to pen down my feelings I experience as if some invisible force is controlling me and forcing me to act against my will! But today I felt much more relaxed and I wrote about the Seagulls, how freely they swim without any concern, no bonds, nothing! Yet they always managed to remain in the group of their fellow mates! It was like they had some particular gesture that explained the direction they were conquering together! I noticed the same in the flock of birds flying together announcing the arrival of winter! There were like hundreds of them but they flew together in one speed taking sharp strokes and turns together! Unlike them, we humans find it so hard to be in a group and it’s rare that a group can harmoniously survive without ego and conflicts! I thought about our relationship, we were together for more than two years but yet we failed to maintain that harmony!

Shiva wanted to travel around the world and I wanted to stick to one place building up my career! I persuaded Shiva to give up the idea of traveling but he chose his dream over me! It still hurts me to realize that Shiva left me to travel around the world and its all because I care about my career and wanted to secure our lives!

Next day, my guru read the note I have written. I have been here for two weeks and it’s the first time I am handing him the task he asked me to do the first day I came in!

My Guru smiled at me once he finished reading the note and asked me to close my eyes and answer to his questions honestly!

He continued – “I liked what you have written about the Seagulls and the birds! It is the simple truth of nature! The truth that’s been there single the Big bang followed by the creation of our life! What do you think is the reason for their harmony? I am sure you can answer this!”

I thought for a moment. My mind was blank. I was going to tell him that I don’t know the reason for their harmony, but as I started to speak the words that came out were different! “Because they are free?”…

He smiled and continued – “Yes, because they are free and they trust each other!
A simple example would be the increasing depression and solitude in youngsters. They are craving for freedom. When every event in their lives is tried and tested by their parents they find their life so predictable and boring! Many of them find pleasure in sacrificing their life just to take revenge on their parents!”

Unlike the Seagulls and the birds, we humans fail to be in a group or in a relationship for the same reason. We deprive ourselves and our partners with the most valuable emotion – the sense of Freedom! Many of us don’t realize that freedom is the basic restriction that you can impose on anyone! And trust – trust is the invisible thread that controls the freedom! They may have different thoughts, different feelings but they are part of one goal and they all travel together to fulfill their goals! They consider their mates goal as theirs and they travel together in search of that!”

Tears rolled my cheek!

I understand everything… the reason why we failed in our relationship is because we failed to consider each others dreams. We tried to carry on in different directions forcing each other to give up their dreams! Life doesn’t end today! I could have helped Shiva pursue his dream! And I never trusted him to understand my ideas and my concern about securing our lives! I remembered what Shiva told me “I value you very much but my dreams are important to me! We will meet in our lives again is we are destined so! You are special!”

I realize the truth that I failed to realize throughout! I love Shiva more than anything and that is why nothing in this world was able to bring happiness to my heart!

I opened my eyes and saw my Guru Smiling at me!

“I realize… I realize the truth!!”

He smiled again… he didn’t ask me what I realized! It’s just like he knows everything! As if he read my mind!

As I walked back to my apartment all I can think about was Shiva. As soon as I got to my room I dialed his number. “Hello…” I heard his voice and it felt like listening to someone from the past... someone very near and dear to my heart!
“Hi… it’s me!”…

There was a silence for a moment but I felt my heart connecting to his…

“I knew you would call… I am very glad” his voice broke as he said this.

“Where are you now?” I asked

“I am in Paris now…”

“I am flying to Paris today evening. Please be in the airport to receive me”

“Sure… For the past year I have never known what happiness is! I am willing to come back to…”

“We can speak about it later…” I didn’t let him finish the conversation. I was amazed to realize that he felt the same without me!

I looked at the seagulls swimming away! It doesn’t matter whatever he chose to do! Even if he wanted to settle down or travel! I was amazed to realize that it didn’t concern me to the least! All it matters is the openness of our heart to respect and accept each other just the way we are!

I realized the truth… the truth that gives life to any relationship… and I am flying to my loved one to share it with…!!!

Sister...

2007-12-09T10:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced that suffocating feeling when your thoughts get all tangled up! When your emotions get perplexed! When you feel that your hormones are all adversely acting forcing you to make a fool out of yourselves!

Well, that’s how I am feeling right now! I am too stressed…

I looked outside through the window. Agh it’s already dark outside. I wished if I had someone to share this awful feeling with! I have my parents who are always busy with their career, a brother who is born to make my life a mess, my boyfriend who buries his head down on books twenty four seven for the prestigious scholarship he is aiming for! Who got time for me??!! Even I don’t have time for myself! My job is demanding more than my capabilities – in short I am stressed!!

A long walk in the moonlight might help! The wind is so crispy cold! Mr. Moon is trying hard to peep through the tiny gaps in the thick cluster of baby leaves to meet my eyes! They murmured in their sleep! The lake lay in ecstasy as the moon wrapped her in his graceful silver blanket. I blamed myself for not taking my specs again! I can hardly make out the trees waving their heads on the nearby shore! I always loved sitting in this bench watching the trees swing to the rhythm of wind! Stars paying tribute to the mighty Mr. Moon.

It’s getting colder! My teeth clattered as I tried to cover myself properly with my small scarf! I can hear music from the nearby pub! I never knew they played this melodious compositions and that too when the night is still so young! This is the time when people like to go wild; most of them go for rock music that will tear their head apart!

“Hi, do you mind if I sit next to you?” My eyes got wide open as I looked at the most beautiful girl I have ever seen! “Of course you can!” I replied. She sat next to me. I looked at her again. Her face had the special radiance which even lighted up the darkness of the night! I felt jealous for a moment. I would have been happy if I was at least beautiful like her. I said to myself feeling even more depressed! I looked at her again. God! She got the most beautiful eyes! Wind blew her hair backwards surprising me as I noticed her really long thick black lock of beautiful silky hair! She absolutely reminded me of some fairy tale princess!

“You have such beautiful hair!”…I commented. It’s really awkward to start a conversation like this! I felt a bit embarrassed! She smiled and said “thanks, do you live nearby?” “Yes, I do, I live in Bank Street. Its just 10 minutes away from here!” I replied but still staring at her beautiful sparkling eyes! “I come here when I am depressed, you know how stressed you feel sometimes of this hectic schedule!!” I felt ashamed of myself for moaning about my life to some complete stranger who I just met!! But it doesn’t seem like I have control over what I am saying. I just speak before I think! I need to practice on being a bit more sensible!!

She smiled “yes, I know… I used to feel the same before!”...Hmm before! So, that means she doesn’t feel like that now! “You don’t feel depressed at all now?” I did it again! It just came out of my mouth before I could think! She smiled again “Not at all… I don’t work nowadays. I stay home! So there are less chances of stress!” Oh lucky her! She doesn’t have to get up every morning and drag herself to work!!

She continued “I used to feel depressed when my parents died in a car accident last year! I felt so lonely! Then my brother left me as he found his other half in Australia. She insisted him to move with her and after all I was old enough to live by myself! Lately, I had many troubles with my recurring head aches! Now I found out that I have a small tumor in my brain. Its nothing major, they say it will be cured after a surgery! Its due next month. I have to shave my beautiful long hair for that! But it will grow again!”

I was speechless... it was just too much for me!... she asked me “So why are you depressed? I will see if I can help you!”

How can I say to her that I am depressed because my parents work hard to give their kids a decent life! How can I say that I am depressed because my brother likes a laugh with me every now and then! How can I say that I am depressed because I have a responsible hardworking boyfriend! I felt ashamed of myself realizing how I moan about my happy life!

I just said “Nothing major! Just not feeling very well!”

She smiled and continued placing her hand on mines “Don’t feel low. Life is short! Take the hardships of life as a challenge. Face them with courage! Once when you turn back during your last days never regret for wasting your life! Make it memorable! Enjoy every minute, feel the wind; sing in the rhythm of rain; watch the sunset and wait to see the sunrise with hope! You are a worthy human being who can make this world a better place to live!”

I didn’t know what to say! I closed my eyes for a moment and when opened it everything was much brighter around me. Her face even more brighter! We talked for many hours. My mobile rang. Oops time went quick. It’s my dad. Let me run back home. He will get annoyed! She gave me her address before I left. I promised her that I will drop by at her house the coming weekend.

I never felt any happier than this in my life. I felt even happier to see my parents waiting for me to join them for dinner. I had a good laugh with my brother and he kissed me good night as he said that he had a wonderful time with me. I thought about her before going sleep. Oops, I forgot to ask her name! Never mind I will see her this weekend!

I had a wonderful time in office too. As she said I enjoyed each and every minute. I looked at everything in a positive way and I am astonished to realize that I am not even a bit stressed! I am looking forward to meet her on Saturday.

Saturday morning! I never felt this excited in my life. I looked at my mobile where I saved her address. 51 Bank Street. That’s like 5 minutes from my home. I had my breakfast and headed to her house. I wondered if it’s a bit awkward to go this early during a weekend. I am sure she wouldn’t mind! I said to myself!

It wasn’t that hard to find her house. I rang the doorbell, but no one answered the door. I waited for like 5 minutes. May be she is sleeping! I tried to call her landline number that she gave me. No one answered. I waited for around 10 more minutes. May be she went shopping or something!

The lady next door came out to take the post. She asked me “Are you looking for someone?” “Yes, you know the girl who lives here. I am waiting for her.” I replied. “Oh are you looking for Angel?” she asked. Too bad I don’t even know her name! I said “Yes, the girl with long hair and big eyes!”
“Who are you again?” the woman gave me a weird look as she asked me this.
“I am…I am her friend!” I replied. The woman gave me a cold look and continued “Oh, you are her friend and you didn’t know!”
Didn’t know what? Some people are too fond of confusing you! I nodded my head as reply. “She passed away yesterday! She was suffering from a major brain tumor. Hope you knew that!”
Major tumor! She didn’t tell me that! I wondered how easily she took things, even knowing that these were her last days!!
I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything about her!

I walked straight to the church graveyard. There is her coffin.

R.I.P Angel “1984-2007!”

Tears kissed my cheek. You are an Angel, who tried to spread light in the lives of ignorant human race! I cried at the top of my voice. “Don’t cry dear! Its life! Are you Angel’s relative?” I looked back to see father Reverend. “Yes, I am...I am... I am her sister!”…tears rolled down my cheeks as I said this.
- You will be my sister forever who gave a complete new outlook for my life. I will miss you. “My sister for life!”

A moment...!!!

2007-10-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

“Think Diverse!
Be happy with what’s in your Platter!
You can feel lonely in a crowd if you don’t have one good friend!”

Quotes of a recently met though intimate friend of mine!

Some things got to happen at times to make you realise some greater truths of life!
I wonder if this is true. I can’t explain to you the emotional imbalance I experienced each time I tried to absorb the complete meaning of the above quotes!

“Pisces are Creative, Unrealistic, Romantic!” A flashback from my last horoscope! I do imagine a lot! Early mornings when I push myself in to a stuffed train, when my senses get confused with the mixed aroma of the expensive perfumes! I do dream! Give my mind a free trip to the most beautiful place on earth! Where nature is at its best! Coconut trees waving their head in the rhythm of wind, the smell of hot sand as rain conquers its might during a hot summer afternoon! I imagine myself standing in the middle of a vast paddy field. The fresh breeze blowing my hair and the wet ground tickling my feet... I miss my place then! I walk with my hands stuffed in to my jacket’s pockets, and my teeth clattering due to the unbearable chilly wind. I am still dreaming!

Dreamers are Romantic! It’s just like two sides of a coin!
Unrealistic! Hmm… I wonder if I am being unrealistic by thinking that I can be a worthy human being! When I run behind the materialistic gains as any other human being, I am always prepared for the time when I can turn around and follow the path that I always wanted to conquer! But here the race is fast! I turned back to look at the crowd following me! I need to run fast or I will be crushed under their footsteps! Now, I don’t see a point where I can turn back! To leave my fake mask behind and help the needful! To be proud as the reason for someone’s happiness! The smile they pay off is priceless!!! I continue to be part of that crowd and my friend’s quote haunts me now “You can feel lonely in a crowd if you don’t have one good friend!”

Oopss... I forgot something “Be happy with what’s in your Platter!”

Untold....

2007-09-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

I wondered if I can ever prove myself to be right… People may think that I am stupid… Even they may think that I have lost my mind… But I’ve never cared about what others think and I never will….

I’ve always tried to be good in everything I do…It was a big deal when I came second in my class…When I showed interest in Arts… My parents wanted me to study Medicine...Whatever I chose, whatever I did seemed to disappoint them… no one ever tried to understand me…they never realised my feelings..And I don’t know if they ever will…But I had him to share my feelings with…

This is my favourite spot….I can slip open the wide window panes, and then the cool sea breeze come kisses my face… I can see fishermen sailing away in to the mystery of deep blue sea… I can see busy mornings when they come back with smiley faces shouting and singing...and their family members greeting them…they seemed so happy... and so was he…with his dark brown hair and sparkling eyes…I have always wondered if he was some special creation of god…his face had that serenity which always surprised me…

I used to see him early mornings…sitting near the open window, to watch the sunrise. I have always believed that the rising Sun got a divine spirit in it. Sun God is powerful, whatever you wish early mornings will come true… this is what my grandma told me... but I never wished for anything until now…

Oh…I was telling about him. I see him early mornings… I always admired him...his face had the charismatic power which I cant describe…we used to look at each other for long…our eyes spoke…at times he made me laugh… and he laughs as well…seeing me laugh…time passed by…we became so close that I can keep looking in to his eyes for hours and hours and hours…

I was the happiest girl ever… I got to know the sweetest boy on earth... I thought of telling my biggest secret to my friend…she is really nice...She has always been there for me...She understands me…everyone used to say that we had a special bond!

My friend was happier than me to know about this. She couldn’t believe that we became so close just by looking at each other. Days passed, I wanted to ask him if it’s ok for me to show him to my friend. His eyes granted permission. She came next morning to see him… he looked even more handsome. His dark skin glowing in the golden sunrays… his brown hair partly covering his bright eyes… I revealed my biggest secret ever...i showed her... my sweet heart!! She looked surprised and then she laughed…she just laughed and laughed… I was so confused, I looked at him...he just smiled and ran away…. My friend commented on how bad it’s for me to stay late at night…”get some sleep…u silly girl...”…what is wrong with her...I never dared to discuss about this to her again….

We saw each other every day… he sings for me, he dances for me… we became more and more close…I really wanted him to meet my family...what will they think about him..Will they just laugh like my friend did…a thousand questions came to my mind!! The most wonderful thing happened that day…he came to see me that night...we sat together...chatted all night… He had the most wonderful voice ever… Before leaving he promised me to come and meet my family the next day…

The next morning, I looked at the sun rise… He is so nice…wonderful... … I wished for the first time… “Oh god! I wish he comes today to meet my family”...

I bathed, wore the best clothes…cleaned my home...My mum was surprised to see me this excited…There he is...he stood near the door…I invited him in…he commented on how beautiful I looked…I was the happiest girl on earth…

As I was chatting to him, my mum looked at me with a weird expression on her face. “Why is she looking like that? Did she not like him?” I introduced him to my mum. She ran inside and called my dad. I can hear them shouting. But why is every one making such a bug fuss. He looked worried. My mum forced me to go to my room. I screamed… I could see him walking away from me with tears in his eyes…I felt pain in my head...I could hear something crashing inside my brain…I can hear people shouting...Him singing…My mum crying…

The strongest pain swept my brain…. What are these stupid people doing?? I couldn’t understand anything… many of them stood around me…ahhhhhhhh…the pain killed me…ahhhhhh….

Here I am standing in my favourite spot waiting for him...The only one who understood me in this big wide world… He is too good to be true. I knew it…but I had him always. During my ups and down…and I can see him, feel him… It may be unusual to the normal people around… but I want to prove them that I am right…

Wind blew my hair…I think its trying to soothe me…I can see the fishermen…kids playing in the beach…happy people and there he is, with his beautiful smile…Sun is spreading its rays…I wished if I was one of them looking helplessly in to the big heavy chain around my leg…

Forever....

2007-09-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

I can hardly open my eyes…I felt so tired…I can see the small dust particles dancing in the sunrays…the old grandfather clock in the corner of my room struck nine…I can hear kids laughing and giggling from the playground next to my house…I can hear the birds chirping…I closed my eyes…I can see myself dancing with him…I can see how elegantly I spinned with my long gown on…he held my hands and we did together the finale move…I can still hear the crowd..That was the greatest night in my life…

Tears kissed my cheek… I opened my eyes and looked at my legs...They can’t move now…they can’t dance anymore...I can never do that grand spin again…

Michael and I were the best dancers in town. We danced at parties, weddings and we even conducted stage programmes. We were known as the perfect pair! Everyone was jealous of us…he was my partner in stage but more than that he was my life partner…we were leading such a happy life, I think even the gods were jealous of us!!

That dark rainy night. I still remember how the coldness crept in to my bones and I can still feel the freezing rain drops washing out the blood from my legs…

We were riding back home after the biggest night in our lives…we were so happy…everyone was going on and on about how well we performed on stage…Michael was so happy “I am the happiest man on earth, I don’t mind to die like this…”..i wished he never said that…it was raining…both of us love riding the bike in rain. I hugged him as he speeded in the motorway.. “Slowly…” I shouted…he was laughing then…I can feel his heart beat…and the next thing I remember is a loud bang…we flew from the bike...The bus in to which we crashed didn’t stop…it just went over my legs…the strongest pain swept my brain..The last thing I saw was my blood flowing with the rain water...My eyes searched for Michael…

Many days in hospital…I was in pain...each and every part of my body hurted…No one ever mentioned anything about Michael…I couldn’t speak but gradually I realised that he has gone somewhere far away from me….very far away that I can never ever see him..I can never feel him...I can never hear his voice…

I can feel my wet pillow now…it happens every time…it seems like crying is my only hobby now…

I looked at the picture of Jesus hung on the wall…I just have one prayer…I just want to be with Michael…but that’s one thing which can never happen...but what else do I have to pray?

I closed my eyes…I wished if I could just sleep…for rest of my life..with no pain, no grief…clock struck ten…its time for Mary to come….Mary is my maid..She looks after me...she comes every morning cooks for me, cleans me and she goes after lunch. I have my parents and six sisters but everyone is settled abroad and they are too busy to look after me…I am ok with that because I can feel Michael’s presence in this house and I wouldn’t leave that for anything in this world…

I tried to move my leg…I got surprised as I lifted it without pain…I looked at my legs..they look the same but I can move them…I tried to get up..i couldn’t believe myself..my legs touched the floor after so long…”oh, Jesus..i cant believe this!!”…….i smiled after so long…I walked to the window…I can see the kids playing…I can feel the cold breeze trying to hide in my hair locks…I can see the sunshine. I looked around…”hmm…I should clean my room..Mary will get surprised!”…

I dusted the grandfather clock, then the piano, then the pictures of me and Michael…I smiled, I felt like I got a new life….

I can hear the door opening…”oh, Mary is here…” She entered the room…” Mary, look how clean my room is now..I can walk now..Look at me.” She didn’t look at me at all…” Mary…” Why is she not responding to me?!!

I got the biggest shiver all over my body. I couldn’t believe my eyes…”what the hell!!” I screamed… There I lie in my bed!! With my eyes close and with the most peaceful look in my face…Mary is trying to wake me up now…She is crying now…I looked around...” Am I dead??”

I screamed. Many people stood around me...I tried to speak to them...noone listened to me...i can hear my elder sister narrating a story to my cousin of how I came to her dream last night and said that I loved her most..”I didn’t say that...Hey stop lying...!”...i walked around. There he is...My Michael…with the same naughty smile…

I ran to hug him..I can feel him now…”Dear, I am so happy that we are together at last!” I rested my face on his chest….

They took me to the church. Everyone left the house…They locked the door..We don’t need keys now…Now its just me and Michael…We walked around holding hands…I looked at the picture of Jesus…”Atlast you heard my prayer..Here we are together in our house forever and ever...We cant die again..!!” I chuckled as I said this…